Part 26 – Time to leave the past where it belongs…
A month to pause…
I have taken a short break from writing, it’s been one month since my last blog post. I needed to get my thoughts together on how to best approach this one, as what I’m about to share with you is a very sensitive subject for me to discuss and which rears much emotion for me. Some may call it fear, procrastination or even writer’s block, I think it’s probably a combination of all of the above.
I’ve had many people asking me when my next blog post will be available, if only it was that simple…you see I’m not blogging about all the wonderful things in life such as travel, fashion, food etc although I do plan to include some of these topics and more of my personal interests as part of my blog in the near future – watch this space!
My blog is about my life, I’m sharing very personal stories in relation to my journey of recovery and there are times when I do feel hesitant about sharing such information about my life.
You see I’m providing you with an insight into what my life has been like over the past 16 months, it’s been far from a fairytale…so it’s not always that simple to write a new blog post each week.
I need time to reflect, to pause and think, to decide on the parts of my life that I am both willing and happy to share with you. I could easily pull together content that is uber positive and far from the truth…but if I did that I wouldn’t see the point in me creating this blog, it requires a level of authenticity to provide you with a true reflection of what I have endured.
Life is far from perfect!
Unfortunately it’s the truth. As they say…”Life is far from a bed of roses.”
Unlike some people around me, I haven’t had the privilege of being able to ignore what has happened to me, I’ve had to face it for every minute of every hour of every day for the past 16 months! And although it gets easier it is something that will remain with me for the rest of my life.
I did go through a stage of denial in my recovery and it did take a long time for me to accept what had happened to me…however I do believe that we have to embrace the bad times as equally as we do the good times. It is the only way that we can truly heal, move forward in life and reset to create a new life.
During this journey I have learned that many people don’t share my thinking or have the strength to face up to particular circumstances, they would rather pretend it isn’t happening, remain in denial, blame and not take responsibility for their actions.
That isn’t the way to live life and I have learned the hard way that I cannot surround myself with these people as this is not an energy that I choose to surround myself with. My health and wellbeing are paramount and I will protect it!
My denial could continue…no one would know
I told myself that I could miss out this part of the story, after all, no one would know. But since writing my guest blog on friendships post aneurysm for Headway.org, the UK charity for brain injuries. I have received an overwhelming amount of people getting in contact to say that they could relate to so much of what I have talked about in regards to a breakdown in relationships with the people closest to them and it has become apparent that many marriages have ended in divorce as a result.
Just reading the emails from my readers struck such a personal chord with me that it was no longer an option for me to brush this part of my story under the carpet and it made me feel even more compelled to write about the breakdown in my relationship after my brain aneurysm ruptured.
September a new month, a new season
I have used the past month of August as a reflective month as it was in August 2017 when my relationship started to fall apart, so one year on after a year of emotional roller coasters it is time for me to write and finally put the past to rest. So that I can be at peace and move forward with my life and set myself free from the attachment of this past relationship.
Seeing that we are now in the new month of September and heading into a new season I feel that it is time for me to write about this and to move forward without hesitation or fear. After all, I won’t be able to move forward with many aspects of my life successfully until I have healed, I have learned this the hard way through past situations in life. So here goes…
A trip down memory lane
So in 2015, I decided to leave my job of 12 years and take the plunge to follow my passion and do some more travelling, solo travelling to new places. So I decided to visit South America and visited Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay and Brazil, I then finished off my trip to New York.
When I look back I had the most amazing time of my life! I learned so much about myself, visited new places, pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and met some wonderful people along the way.
Although I had the most amazing time in South America, I still had this yearning to return to my home, my beautiful island in the sun Jamaica so off I went!
I was so happy to be back home as I hadn’t visited in almost a year now. The plan was to spend a few weeks relaxing with my family that was it. On my second night, my auntie and uncle took me to their local bar and that’s where I met my partner, I was with family and he was with his. That was the start of the whirlwind romance that started in November 2015.
When I met him I was in the such a good place in my life and that obviously radiated, I was doing the things I loved, I felt fulfilled and happy in life and I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time. I was just happy doing me and not having to think about someone else for once.
After a 16 year relationship ending 5 years beforehand and after what I call a ‘half way’ house relationship, you know the rebound…we’ve all done it at some point, huge mistake!
So after that situation, I allowed myself the time to heal and to really get to know myself which was crucial for me, as I had spent the majority of my adult life in a relationship. Therefore the next 5 years set me on both an exciting and educational path of self-discovery and on this path I met my partner in Jamaica during a trip I hadn’t planned on making.
I met him in a bar that I would drive past all the time when I was in Jamaica and there was a stage when I visited Jamaica often prior to meeting him. He lives just down the road from my family so he was always close by but I had never come across him in all my years of visiting Jamaica.
Anyway since this visit we quickly fell for each other and that was the start of our relationship, I was back and forth from Jamaica often – it was as if the Universe was aligning to make all of this possible and despite the distance it just seemed to work effortlessly.
18 months later, the realisation…the heartbreak
When I was in the hospital and when I first came out of hospital my partner was incredibly supportive and in contact with both myself and my family in Jamaica and here in the UK often.
Over time that support started to deplete and I noticed a change in him, whenever I would ask him about it he grew incredibly defensive and argumentative. I knew the situation was stressful and I knew how it was affecting him, however, my intuition even from afar was telling me that something just wasn’t right.
The relationship just didn’t feel the same, I felt as though I was losing him and it soon became apparent that this relationship wasn’t going to stand the test of time through these incredibly difficult circumstances.
Then one day he spoke to me and said “I don’t know when I’m going to see you again…I cannot come to see you and you can’t come here for now.” Followed by something else which broke my heart, without going into too much detail he basically asked me to agree to something that is against my personal values and morals in terms of what I expect the boundaries of a relationship to be.
Yes, he was honest…I’ll give him that, but it doesn’t excuse what he was asking me to agree to or his lack of humanity, empathy and his selfishness. I nearly died and all he could think about was himself and his needs.
“This broke my heart and was the realisation that my relationship with this man died the night my aneurysm ruptured.”
It made me think back to when he proposed to me and the vows made when marrying someone…
“In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer till death do us part.”
I was now sick, I was no longer working and I nearly died…he clearly wasn’t ready for any of this and it got me thinking how these days so many people aren’t ready for relationships and the commitment that comes with it let alone a marriage.
So what is marriage?
On the subject of marriage, I have Googled the term what is the meaning of marriage? And there were so many definitions. What stood out to me is that marriage is defined is so many ways, and by different entities, based on cultural, religious and personal factors.
I have seen so much on social media and have witnessed it with people I know getting married…there’s so much focus on the wedding and the money being spent can be ridiculous and that’s not exclusive to the bride and groom, it can be extended to guests too in some cases.
I mean I‘d love to marry someone one day and have a beautiful day full of memories, who wouldn’t? Well actually I do know some people who wouldn’t and that isn’t just men, there are women out there who aren’t actually interested in the fantasy of a huge fairytale wedding either. Lol
Marriage is so much more than the day it’s about the commitment you make to one another, the vows, the seriousness of what you are entering into and many including my partner are not ready for that level of commitment.
Many want the high of a new relationship, all the amazing stuff and fun times that come part and parcel of a new relationship. But as soon as the going gets tough and you have to actually start to work through problems…how many people stay around for that?!
By no means, I’m not condoning that anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage, but what I am saying is that people need to be committed to working at their marriages/relationships.
Relationships go through a natural course of ups and downs and no relationship is perfect, believe me, I know I was in one for 16 years. I wasn’t legally married to my first partner, but I was married in terms of the level of commitment and strength I gave to that relationship, I wasn’t walking away without trying and that was also the case with my most recent relationship – if you didn’t already know I’m a fighter!
That’s how I was raised to work at things, compromise and to not give up at the slightest bit of stress…I’m sorry that I can’t say the same for my partner, he saw me being sick and needing his support as causing him stress.
Life goes on…time to move on
That’s about all I can share with you right now, but this has been a huge roller coaster that has been going on for just over a year now. Even from afar it has been hard to sever ties, but I have realised that just because you love someone it doesn’t mean that they are good for you and you have to learn to let go of the past and that is why I am writing this post to finally let go and move forward with my life – this particular post is key to my self-healing in so many ways!
As you will have gathered my said partner is now my ex-partner and has been for sometime. I was in denial for a long time and didn’t want to believe that the man I loved so much would abandon me when I needed him most and treat me in such a way.
But I have had to come to terms with this and finally accept the situation for what it is. Although we loved each other, he wasn’t the man that was meant for me…
Over the past 16 months, I have been going through a cycle of loss and grief not only to do with the rupturing of my brain aneurysm but also with the breakdown of my relationship at the same time, as well as in other aspects of my life which I’ll talk about at a later stage.
Grieving the loss of a relationship is hard enough but add that to what I was already going through was the most heartbreaking ordeal I have had to go through at a time where I was emotionally at my worst for obvious reasons.
This past year has been a struggle of constant ups and downs and it has taken me this amount of time to accept, heal and move forward. I’m still healing one day at a time, but it’s getting easier and I will not accept less than what I deserve in this life!
If there is anything that my near death experience has taught me, it is that life is way too short to waste your time on people that are proving they are not worthy of your relationship/friendship and your respect.
If you can’t be by my side through the tough times, you sure as hell don’t deserve to be there for the good either!! Life is too short to be anything other than happy, so if something is no longer serving me I let it go…whether that be relationships, friendships, jobs, lifestyle etc…
September 2, 2018 6:49 pm
“I have been given a second chance at life and my ultimate goal is my inner happiness and anything that adds to that is a bonus! Don’t ever give anyone the key to your happiness, it is your life so live it unapologetically on your terms!”